Who knows anymore?

Nothing. You did absolutely nothing. Knowing this, I'll write and explain it all here, but please note, not everyone will like everything I write here.

Not every time that I seem sad or upset is something wrong. A lot of the time I just have way more to think and worry about then I can even imagine. Last week was a perfect example.

Last week I had main stage, Mamma Mia, Jubilee, an exam every day, work, homework, ect. Its just been a little insane. But you understand this, I know that.

Main stage is ALWAYS the highlight of my day. The people there are amazing and I just have so much fun being there. Its such a great environment to be in and lets me forget all about the everyday stresses I have. I love being there.

Mamma Mia, even though it's generally at unbelievably early times when NO ONE should be at school (hehe, just kidding), I still love doing it. I always learn something there and it makes me feel like I have a specific job for tech. It's great.

The Jubilee was also amazing! I never imagined I would learn so much in such a small amount of time! Even the people there were so inviting and everyone was willing to show me something. Being there just made me want to do that for a career that much more. I love the atmosphere of any theatre. I can not wait until that is my job.

School has been the most stressful thing for me to focus on. As much as I want good grades and what not, I can't help but think that most of this is dumb and my time would be much better used elsewhere. I can barely fit homework into my schedule, but I wouldn't cut out any of the tech out of my schedule.

On top of all of this, I have so much more to deal with every day. I guess one of the main reasons I have seemed so distant this past week was I have been trying to figure out if I really do in fact like the guy I think I like. This can be the most confusing part in anyone's life. After you figure that out, you have to figure out whether they may like you as well, and if you should tell anyone and if so who? Every time I find a reason to believe he does return my feelings, I also find one for the opposite. It's extremely difficult. Also, as of now, I've told a total of two people about it and that was hard enough. I just don't want to hurt or upset anyone with how I feel. But as of now, I feel like I need to say something, even if it is just one here, because I really want this to work. I don't want to have to wonder anymore.

So, I'm sorry I have been so weird lately, life caught up to me, I was holding too much in and I guess I couldn't hide it anymore. But please, don't worry about me, and if you do, don't be afraid to question me on it!

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.Secret #3.

My worst fear is failing. It means humiliation sometimes and I've had enough of that in my life. But, good news is, is the only thing I need to realize is that if I learn I never fail. Now let's get there =]



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You're kidding

Honestly, how is it that one person can ALWAYS get what they want? I mean, in my house, it's Jordan. No matter what the topic, what the issue, what her demands, she always gets it.

Now usually it doesn't effect me but seriously, driving down to bowness every morning? "It's only 20 minutes out of your way" Yeah, 20 minutes earlier I have to get up, 20 minutes less time to be with my friends, NO starbucks on most mornings!! This is possibly the worst idea I've ever heard. It was working just fine when she left with my step mom in the morning before I started driving, so why are we switching it now? Well I'll tell you why! It's because Jordan "doesn't like getting up early just to sit in the car for a while." And yes, she did say that.

The whole point of my parents driving everyone one to school was to ensure they didn't have to buy bus passes to save some money. Now I pay for my own gas, so there's more money I have to pay, and they have to pay with buying her a bus pass to get home(or whatever they're deciding at the moment, I kind of stopped listening)

Oh wait, now we're discussing: TIME MANAGEMENT! God, like I've never heard this speech before. I mean, obviously my parents have NO idea how much stuff I pack into one day. And seriously, have they sen my agenda lately? It's color coated, and has practically everything I have to do in it(besides my homework). Yes, I was really bad at managing my time a little while ago, but I have improved TONS!

Anyway, That was my rant for the night.

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Ireland

Okay, so ever since people have decided that I'm dead serious about going to Ireland for a year, they've been telling me they don't want me to go. Sorry guys, I don't get it.

This has been my dream for as long as I can remember, to travel. For me, this Swap program is like a gift!! Here's something that will allow me to travel and give me somewhere reliable if I need help. Its possibly the most amazing thing that could have happened to me.

Now that it's in my plan for after high school, people are......I don't know, getting scared? worried? I'm not sure what the right word is there, but its a little frustrating. I mean, I know that they all support me in whatever I choose to do, but I just keep getting questioned about it. I don't really know why everyone is so concerned. If its because they think a year over there will change me, well they're probably right, but remember, its usually for the better. If they think its because I may not come home, well that's not even a possibility! My entire life will still be here!! I can't think of any other reason why people would oppose me going.

Now I know if it were the other way around I would definitely miss my friend/family member, but when it really comes down to it, it's their life and they'll do what they choose. I would look at it as an option for a vacation if it was affordable.

So help me out here, Why shouldn't I go to Ireland? I want to honestly know!!

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, its just me ranting.......but do answer the question.

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.Secret #2.

I love just being with some people. Some times words aren't necessary.

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Shock

Complete shock is what it was. What it still is. I still don't understand.



I guess there's not much to understand though is there? I should know, I was there. Just one day, that day where life just gets too much to handle anymore, you snap. I get it. Luckily we both pulled through. I know it may still seem like its the only choice, probably will for a while, but trust me, it's not. We (and right now I'm speaking for all your friends, those at the hospital, those who's thoughts were with you, the people you may not even know about) all love you. I know that you are one of my best friends! It may not seem like it, but you definitely have helped me more than you could ever imagine. I owe you big time now!



I guess it takes something like this to really open your eyes, really show you how important people are. And you are definitely important to me. Man, I don't know what I would have done if I lost you. Honestly, you are one of the few people that I can openly talk to.



I know people probably say this so much that it means nothing anymore, but seriously, I'm here if you need to talk. In fact I WANT you to talk to me, rant to me, ask for advice, tell me things. I know usually I can't give much advice or be much help, but this is one area I can help. I've been on both sides of things, multiple times. I can tell you what helped me, what got me through each day, how to avoid those hard situations. I just need you to be okay again.



You are my angel! You have been through all this, and I know it will just make you stronger. Just remember, you are here for a reason, a purpose. And that everything happens for a reason. For whatever reason, you may not know it now, or anytime soon, but one day you will figure it out, this happened to you, to us, for a reason. One day it will make you stronger.



We love you! I'll be praying for you, and maybe I'll be able to make it out to see you soon. It's the least I can do.



A<3



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Cookies!

I'm no longer a failure at life!! I can bake cookies and not burn them!!

And they are delicious!!

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Thankful

Since it is pretty close to Thanksgiving I decided I should really think about what I am grateful for.

I am extremely thankful that I have the friends I do. They are possibly the only thing in my life I can actually count on. They're the ones who've seen me at my absolute worst and best and still have been there to see me through it. I can not imagine what life would be like without them. I just want to thank you all again and again and trust me, thats STILL not enough!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! (And I do you know who reads this, so I mean that with all my heart!)

Also, I am VERY thankful for one friend in particular! I know I probably have put you through hell trying to figure everything out (God, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...), but you stuck by me through it all! I'm so glad that you're still in my life and I want to keep it that way forever!!

Well, I'll put more up another day!!
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.Secret #1.

Secret one:
Opposed to what it may seem, I have little self confidence because of my past.
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Joy

First if all I want to say sorry to someone for what happened yesterday morning. Thank you so much for being there for me!! Things just got too much to handle and I just broke down and feel extremely bad that you had to see it. But thank you so much again!

Anyway, on a happier note, I feel normal again!! I can wear both of my shoes!! It feels so amazing and I still can't believe that unless you know what happened you couldn't tell (well besides the small limp I have).

I went to work last night and walked around on it for 5 hours and it felt okay. It ached a little, which is probably normal since its been almost 8 weeks since its been walked on. I'm so happy to be back, you have no idea. It's like my life is slowly falling back into place.

For me this is such an accomplishment because it has been so long and there have been some extremely hard times during it. I can finally say I made it through and know that when I go through it again, it won't be so bad. It just feels amazing!!

Now we'll see how it holds up at a hockey game, and if all goes well I can go to school on Monday without anything =] And that means back to school shopping soon!!!

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Beneath the stars

All I want to do is lay beneath the stars. They comfort me, show me there's so much more out there. But I don't want to do it Calgary, no, I want somewhere where you can't hear the cars, where every star is brighter than you could ever imagine, where nothing else matters, where I can get up, walk away and still feel relaxed. I want to lay there, by myself or with someone else, it doesn't matter, and think about nothing more than what the stars show me. I want to watch them until I fall asleep. I want lay in the middle of no where watching the stars slowly drift by, even if it takes all night.

Yeah, that would be my perfect night....

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