Okay, I decided that "I like this" or "I dislike this" wasn't the greatest 20 facts about me, so I'll post some more here.
1. I think the hardest thing in the world is having something in sight, yet not being able to reach it or get to it. I know that if I just took that one little step I could have something very special. But I can't. It's right there and I just can't seem to get to it.
2. I seem to think about only one thing lately. It's quite annoying because it's the thing I can't get to. Yet, all day long I wonder about them. I mainly wonder if they wonder about me though.
3. Right now my favorite movie is Ocean's Eleven, though I'm not sure it's because of the actual movie. I think it's because of the memories I tie to it. That was one of the best days I've had in a long time and can not wait to do it again soon.
4. My perfect day is not one of going to a spa or exotic places, it is one a lot like yesterday. Sure, I wrote an exam, but that was fine. It was more hanging out with 2 of my favorite people in the whole world. Yes, other people were there, but it really didn't make a difference, we kind of kept to ourselves. Then we left.
5. It was hard for me to hear I was ditching my friends for new people, by someone who rarely hangs out with me. Do I really leave that much? Should it really matter?
6. I tend to drift towards the people who act like they want me around. They stop acting like that, I find someone new. I'm not sure why I do this, but I do. It might be so that I prevent myself from being hurt again, or maybe I'm just not a people person. Whatever it is, it's me.
7. I write because if I don't, things get too bottled up inside of me and I tend to become depressed. I wish it weren't like this, but since February/March last year it has been. I've gotten used to it, and recognize the signs now. Most of the time I help it before it happens and I'm fine, but there is the occasional downfall. Some times it is short and some times it's a long period of time, but no matter what it is, I don't let people see it.
8. Okay, I'll admit it, I have a celebrity crush on Brandon Kozun. He's an amazing hockey player, and kind of cute too :P
9. I love smiling. I'm really not sure what it is about that certain muscle movement, but it's an amazing feeling. A real, genuine smile. The one you have when you're truly happy. It's the greatest feeling in the world.
10. I wish I still danced. I find dance so beautiful and every time I see it I wish I was still apart of it.
11. I wish I could play soccer again. Soccer was my life for 13 years. I played and practiced and was actually really good at it. At one point I had the best goalie record in the league. Teams years older than me wanted me to play for them. It was the one thing in my life I was really, truly good at without trying. It was hard to give that up and now every time I go watch a game I just want to play so badly. I enjoy being good at something.
12. I haven't really ever liked the way I looked. I've always wanted to be skinnier and prettier, just like all the other girls. That's why I hate having my picture taken. There are very few pictures I actually like of me. It's the one thing I wish I could be more positive about.
13. I really need more hours in a day. Between school, tech, work, and keeping my families happy, aka chores and 'family time', there's barely time to sleep. Even tomorrow on my 'day off' I have a giant list of things I have to do.
14. I'm starting to regret taking Work Experience. I didn't need the credits, and it's definitely proven to be more work than I intended on. The actual hours aren't bad, it's the paperwork that's going to kill me.
15. GMG is the greatest thing in my life at the moment. I don't know what I would do without you two. You are my rocks, and I really hope we continue this after high school. And I'm starting to think that once Witness is over we need to start having movie days more often since they're so much fun!!
<3>
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
What have I done?
Will someone please inform me of what I've done wrong?
I seem to be getting a few people either telling me I screwed up or telling me I'm mad at them. Seriously, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I've just been keeping to myself, doing the things I need to do, and trying not to impose on anyone. The next thing I know there's drama all around me.
First I get a text basically telling me I was mad at someone even though I had barely seen them for a few days. I wasn't purposefully ignoring anyone, I was just doing things and real busy. I was told to forget that it even happened.
Now today I'm getting pretty much yelled at over tape? I'm sorry you never put the tape on when we all were.....I really didn't think it was that big of a deal. As far as I know none of us were opposed to you putting it on. I think if any of us were it would be because it's our inside joke. There's a whole story behind it that you just don't understand. Then you tell me you feel like we're pushing you out. Well the three of us do a lot together, and now all of a sudden you want to join? Maybe you're the one trying to force yourself in. Now don't get me wrong, we're very open to new people, I think it's just you want to be apart of everything we've already done, which isn't possible. Try to understand that it's been the 3 of us since almost the beginning of the year. This tape thing is just one more thing that brings us together. Whenever I see the tape it reminds me of them, as pathetic as it sounds, it's just another part of my life. And as much as you may hate to hear it, those two are a HUGE part of my life. I'm not sure what I'd do without them.
Then you told me I was talking down to you. I don't understand this at all! You barely come to rehearsals and when you do, you don't really do much. This has been my life pretty much for a while, and I just take pride in doing a good job for it. So I guess its just hard for me to sympathize for you, since you had no interest in rehearsals from the beginning. After all of this, I was told to forget about it.
I see a trend developing here. It's like people decide to throw all of this at me to make me feel like shit, then tell me to forget about it so I can't bring it up again. It SUCKS!
Basically emotionally the last few days have sucked you could say. But I'll get over it soon. I think the three of us should hang out more though, I'm mainly happiest then =]
<3>
I seem to be getting a few people either telling me I screwed up or telling me I'm mad at them. Seriously, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I've just been keeping to myself, doing the things I need to do, and trying not to impose on anyone. The next thing I know there's drama all around me.
First I get a text basically telling me I was mad at someone even though I had barely seen them for a few days. I wasn't purposefully ignoring anyone, I was just doing things and real busy. I was told to forget that it even happened.
Now today I'm getting pretty much yelled at over tape? I'm sorry you never put the tape on when we all were.....I really didn't think it was that big of a deal. As far as I know none of us were opposed to you putting it on. I think if any of us were it would be because it's our inside joke. There's a whole story behind it that you just don't understand. Then you tell me you feel like we're pushing you out. Well the three of us do a lot together, and now all of a sudden you want to join? Maybe you're the one trying to force yourself in. Now don't get me wrong, we're very open to new people, I think it's just you want to be apart of everything we've already done, which isn't possible. Try to understand that it's been the 3 of us since almost the beginning of the year. This tape thing is just one more thing that brings us together. Whenever I see the tape it reminds me of them, as pathetic as it sounds, it's just another part of my life. And as much as you may hate to hear it, those two are a HUGE part of my life. I'm not sure what I'd do without them.
Then you told me I was talking down to you. I don't understand this at all! You barely come to rehearsals and when you do, you don't really do much. This has been my life pretty much for a while, and I just take pride in doing a good job for it. So I guess its just hard for me to sympathize for you, since you had no interest in rehearsals from the beginning. After all of this, I was told to forget about it.
I see a trend developing here. It's like people decide to throw all of this at me to make me feel like shit, then tell me to forget about it so I can't bring it up again. It SUCKS!
Basically emotionally the last few days have sucked you could say. But I'll get over it soon. I think the three of us should hang out more though, I'm mainly happiest then =]
<3>
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Free Falling
Love is like jumping off a cliff. First of all it's extremely hard to take that first step and jump. You're afraid something will happen to you and you won't be able to recover. You need that second person to jump with you, or be at the bottom to catch you. Once you take that step though, it's exhilarating! Your stomach constantly has butterflies and you feel giddy all the time. You're glad you took the step.
So all I need is someone to catch me. I'm afraid of heights, so assure me I'll be okay.
<3>
So all I need is someone to catch me. I'm afraid of heights, so assure me I'll be okay.
<3>
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Everything happens for a reason. This is no different. Obviously there's some reason behind this.
At first all I could think was why was God punishing her? She didn't deserve it. After thinking about it non stop I know there's more to this. God knows she's strong. She'll pull through this no matter what the outcome of the surgery is. She'll find a way to do the things she loves. I truly believe with my whole heart she will walk again one day. She'll prove to people she's as strong as I know she is. There was a reason God allowed this to happen to such wonderful, warm hearted person. So everyone, please pray for her. With all our support how is it possible she not get better?
Who knows, maybe her sister was missing her? M was a great sister to her.
<3>
At first all I could think was why was God punishing her? She didn't deserve it. After thinking about it non stop I know there's more to this. God knows she's strong. She'll pull through this no matter what the outcome of the surgery is. She'll find a way to do the things she loves. I truly believe with my whole heart she will walk again one day. She'll prove to people she's as strong as I know she is. There was a reason God allowed this to happen to such wonderful, warm hearted person. So everyone, please pray for her. With all our support how is it possible she not get better?
Who knows, maybe her sister was missing her? M was a great sister to her.
<3>
Why?
I don't understand why this stuff always happens to the good people!
She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She'd give anything for someone in need, and then this happens? I still can't seem to grasp the whole idea. This isn't really happening and soon, I'll wake up from this crazy dream.
She had her whole life ahead of her. She worked so hard for everything she had, and her dreams were close. Not only her, but her family doesn't deserve this either. They've lost already, please don't let it happen again.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all the time love. Please get better! I need the other half of the M&M cookie! <3
<3
<3
<3
<3>
She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She'd give anything for someone in need, and then this happens? I still can't seem to grasp the whole idea. This isn't really happening and soon, I'll wake up from this crazy dream.
She had her whole life ahead of her. She worked so hard for everything she had, and her dreams were close. Not only her, but her family doesn't deserve this either. They've lost already, please don't let it happen again.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all the time love. Please get better! I need the other half of the M&M cookie! <3
<3
<3
<3
<3>
Monday, January 5, 2009
Where have you all gone?
Why is it that I always hear about people having great, in depth conversations with other people? Why do they feel the need to tell me about it?
I used to have those conversations with people. I used to feel needed. What happened? I can't think of one person who wants to tell me things anymore. Everyone else is becoming really close and I seem to drift further and further away every day.
Yeah, I need a lot of help right now, but I don't know where to go for it. Everyone says they're there for me, but really they seem like they could care less. So I guess I'll just write it all down here, continue on with a smile and pray that this is just a school thing and when I get out of school like will be better.
Where do I start? I guess I'll start at home. So my three sisters have seemed to form some sort of pact against me. I don't know why, they just whisper and do things with just each other and make sure I feel like the odd one out. It's a terrible feeling. Then there's my step mom. She doesn't care about me. Doubt she ever will. Or at least never to the extent of the other three. My dad just wants to watch his ass and will do anything to stay on her good side. Even if that means upsetting me. Then he comes and "vents" to me about everything.
Then there's school. There's just way too much stuff I need to be ready for at school in the next couple of days. And exams on top of that. Oh god, why do they have to be worth 50% of my grade this year?
What else can I put in here that people won't get upset with? So my birthday party is coming up. It's a shame that some people really don't like spending time with me. I thought it could be a fun day, now I'm just dreading it. Are people going to show up because they genuinely like me, or because they feel they need to?
Then there's always the whole boy issue. The more I see him, the more I like him. The more I see him, the less I think he likes me. Why couldn't things work just once? I mean, sure I've have 'boyfriends' before and that whole experience. But I always wonder if they actually liked me, or the thought of having a girlfriend. I know my feelings are true, this break proved it. I just don't know he feels the same way.
I always seem to wonder if people find me annoying and that's why they don't tell me things? Or maybe they think I can't keep a secret. Maybe they just don't trust me. Whatever it is, I wish someone would just tell me so I could fix it. This whole being alone thing sucks.
Yeah, yeah, I know, 'you're always there for me'. I wish people would stop saying that if they really don't mean it. I can assure you people don't think, "Hey, she looks sad today, I wonder if there's anything I can do to help out." No, I would imagine its more along the lines of, "Oh god, she looks upset again. Maybe if I don't say anything I won't have to deal with all her problems again."
I'm starting to think I need help. Last time it didn't work out so well though. He was someone who dealt with 'family problems'. Okay, so what about the rest of my 'problems'? Would I have to see like 15 different people for each problem? And how do you tell someone some things? "Oh, and by the way, a few months ago I had serious thoughts of suicide, and now it comes back a lot. See you next week!" And you people wonder why I never say anything.
I guess I didn't go through with it, not because I magically loved my life again, no because I thought about how hard it would have been for some people. I'm really not that selfish of a person, just sometimes I need someone too. Someone who actually cares. Not someone who pretends to care because they're supposed to because we're friends. I need to be able to talk to someone about everything I've gone through in the last year without them freaking out every time I look upset. Because let's face it. I'll never go back there again, it was far to scary. If I had someone through that time maybe I would have never had the thoughts in the first place.
Then again, I'm not good with confrontation. I have a hard time telling someone somethings when they ask. Especially the, "Are you okay?" question. Honestly, what am I supposed to reply to that? "Oh, no. My life is a complete and udder mess right now, thanks for asking!" Then they just feel sorry for you. I guess what I need is someone to just say, "Hey, I really think you need to talk about (insert major topic here), and I really want to hear about it!" Now I'll hear that a lot in the next week, because people are going to 'feel bad'. That's not what I'm looking for right now. I just needed a place to go. Someone who will listen no matter how long I babble on for. Which has been for a while now I guess.
Sleeping is another thing I'm lacking. I try and sleep, honestly, but my brain won't shut up. I'm hoping this helps tonight and if so, I'll be doing it a lot more!
I wish people would update their blogs more often. Sometimes I feel its the only way to know whats going on in their life. And I'm afraid to ask because I know there's some awkwardness there and you would just much rather I didn't know.
Well that felt rather refreshing. Don't take it personally.
<3>
I used to have those conversations with people. I used to feel needed. What happened? I can't think of one person who wants to tell me things anymore. Everyone else is becoming really close and I seem to drift further and further away every day.
Yeah, I need a lot of help right now, but I don't know where to go for it. Everyone says they're there for me, but really they seem like they could care less. So I guess I'll just write it all down here, continue on with a smile and pray that this is just a school thing and when I get out of school like will be better.
Where do I start? I guess I'll start at home. So my three sisters have seemed to form some sort of pact against me. I don't know why, they just whisper and do things with just each other and make sure I feel like the odd one out. It's a terrible feeling. Then there's my step mom. She doesn't care about me. Doubt she ever will. Or at least never to the extent of the other three. My dad just wants to watch his ass and will do anything to stay on her good side. Even if that means upsetting me. Then he comes and "vents" to me about everything.
Then there's school. There's just way too much stuff I need to be ready for at school in the next couple of days. And exams on top of that. Oh god, why do they have to be worth 50% of my grade this year?
What else can I put in here that people won't get upset with? So my birthday party is coming up. It's a shame that some people really don't like spending time with me. I thought it could be a fun day, now I'm just dreading it. Are people going to show up because they genuinely like me, or because they feel they need to?
Then there's always the whole boy issue. The more I see him, the more I like him. The more I see him, the less I think he likes me. Why couldn't things work just once? I mean, sure I've have 'boyfriends' before and that whole experience. But I always wonder if they actually liked me, or the thought of having a girlfriend. I know my feelings are true, this break proved it. I just don't know he feels the same way.
I always seem to wonder if people find me annoying and that's why they don't tell me things? Or maybe they think I can't keep a secret. Maybe they just don't trust me. Whatever it is, I wish someone would just tell me so I could fix it. This whole being alone thing sucks.
Yeah, yeah, I know, 'you're always there for me'. I wish people would stop saying that if they really don't mean it. I can assure you people don't think, "Hey, she looks sad today, I wonder if there's anything I can do to help out." No, I would imagine its more along the lines of, "Oh god, she looks upset again. Maybe if I don't say anything I won't have to deal with all her problems again."
I'm starting to think I need help. Last time it didn't work out so well though. He was someone who dealt with 'family problems'. Okay, so what about the rest of my 'problems'? Would I have to see like 15 different people for each problem? And how do you tell someone some things? "Oh, and by the way, a few months ago I had serious thoughts of suicide, and now it comes back a lot. See you next week!" And you people wonder why I never say anything.
I guess I didn't go through with it, not because I magically loved my life again, no because I thought about how hard it would have been for some people. I'm really not that selfish of a person, just sometimes I need someone too. Someone who actually cares. Not someone who pretends to care because they're supposed to because we're friends. I need to be able to talk to someone about everything I've gone through in the last year without them freaking out every time I look upset. Because let's face it. I'll never go back there again, it was far to scary. If I had someone through that time maybe I would have never had the thoughts in the first place.
Then again, I'm not good with confrontation. I have a hard time telling someone somethings when they ask. Especially the, "Are you okay?" question. Honestly, what am I supposed to reply to that? "Oh, no. My life is a complete and udder mess right now, thanks for asking!" Then they just feel sorry for you. I guess what I need is someone to just say, "Hey, I really think you need to talk about (insert major topic here), and I really want to hear about it!" Now I'll hear that a lot in the next week, because people are going to 'feel bad'. That's not what I'm looking for right now. I just needed a place to go. Someone who will listen no matter how long I babble on for. Which has been for a while now I guess.
Sleeping is another thing I'm lacking. I try and sleep, honestly, but my brain won't shut up. I'm hoping this helps tonight and if so, I'll be doing it a lot more!
I wish people would update their blogs more often. Sometimes I feel its the only way to know whats going on in their life. And I'm afraid to ask because I know there's some awkwardness there and you would just much rather I didn't know.
Well that felt rather refreshing. Don't take it personally.
<3>
Sunday, January 4, 2009
In all honesty...
This birthday may not be what it sounds like. Everyone seems so excited for the party, and thats great. The party should be fun, just not what I was expecting.
I really was hoping everyone would be there, but I guess not. I don't even know if my family will be there. They can't seem to remember when it is anyway. Then there's a lot of people who, I thought, would have sacrificed just a few hours to celebrate something special with me. Guess what, I thought wrong.
I don't know, maybe I'm just upset because my family has banded together against me it seems, but I wouldn't be surprised if my parents forgot my birthday.
I don't have high hopes for this one.
<3>
I really was hoping everyone would be there, but I guess not. I don't even know if my family will be there. They can't seem to remember when it is anyway. Then there's a lot of people who, I thought, would have sacrificed just a few hours to celebrate something special with me. Guess what, I thought wrong.
I don't know, maybe I'm just upset because my family has banded together against me it seems, but I wouldn't be surprised if my parents forgot my birthday.
I don't have high hopes for this one.
<3>
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Year's "Resolutions"
So I have decided that this year I'm actually going to try and stick to my resolutions. And maybe this will help.
So this year I'm to go to try and be more confident, spend less money, drink less pop, and eat healthier in general.
So there you go, there's my goals for the year!
<3>
So this year I'm to go to try and be more confident, spend less money, drink less pop, and eat healthier in general.
So there you go, there's my goals for the year!
<3>
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