The things that trickle down my cheeks quite often now a days. Strange thing is, is that a lot of the time I'm not sure why.
Its been an incredibly hard couple of weeks for me. With my surgery I've had to give up a lot of independence, which is really hard. I mean I can barely make myself a meal or carry things around. It's so hard. The harder part is everyone starts to get annoyed. It would have been fine if it was only a little while, but after 3 weeks, with another 3 to come, people just stop. Or at least they want to stop. They stop wanting to do things and help out. Rude comments begin, nasty looks pierce, and worst of all, all that annoyance turns into greater, harsher feelings that emerge on a daily basis.
Sorry for all the complaining, but this is the only way to get it all out it seems. Those who choose to read it will, otherwise its just written words that help me cope.
It just hurts to know even my family is annoyed. Trust me, if I had just one wish right now it would be to be able to walk again. To stop this, and to have people just enjoy being around me not wondering what else I'm going to ask for, or what other "favor" is coming at them. I just want to feel, and be treated, normal again. That's all I want right now.
In a way I'm really looking forward to going back to school. It gets me out of my house and away from a potentially bad situation. Also, it relieves my family of taking care of me for a few hours. Put me in a situation where people will probably just feel more sorry for me. Ugh, that's going to be hell.
Anyway, away from that topic......What else is there?
Well, lets see, right now I'm talking about party, boys, you know, regular girl stuff, haha. It's great fun. Oh we also found something we decided to call a vodkamelon. It sounds quiet interesting.
Well I've run out of things to say.
<3>
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Burden
Okay, so forgive me if I've seemed a little off the past couple of days but I've been dealing with a lot.
So there's the obvious that I still can't walk for another 26 days which is really disappointing. The fact that I'm in pain yet again. The fact my best friend is camping (but is coming back today, you have no idea how excited I am). Or maybe its just the fact that I DID in fact feel like a burden the other day.
Now I sit here reading all these things about me, telling me that I'm not a burden, that your worried and so on and so forth, and I can't help to think that the saying "actions speak louder than words" applies here.
As much as you say that I really wasn't a burden, I was and no one can deny it. I could tell that everyone was getting sick of stopping every few minutes so I could take a break. But guess what, its how I have to live my life for the time being. I will tell you this though, the walk from school to Starbucks seemed a lot longer than the walk from the theatre to Co-op, which it isn't. This was because I couldn't stop as often. So, knowing no one wanted to continue to stop, I fought through the pain. Bad move. I was, and still am, sore. So when we finally got to chapters, if I was going to going to make it anywhere else, I had to sit down, so I do. Probably another bad move since everyone seemed to leave. Now its not like you went to look at books or something I could understand. No, you guys stood just far enough that I couldn't hear you. Just out of my sight at times. It was at that time I decided I couldn't take anymore and was going home, even if I had to walk. Then to top everything off, everyone came back, but I do believe that the comment made was, "Hi, we came to visit you." Now tell me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it seem odd that you would go to "visit" someone in the middle of hanging out with them? So I did what I had to to prevent myself from breaking down, and I walked away. Finally my Step-mom came to my rescue, just in time. I walked away fighting back the tears. I don't know, but it hurt to know that people I thought wanted to spend time with me would just walk away.
Who knows, maybe my expectations were to high, or maybe I was just used to people understanding. Whatever the case, I don't think I'll be doing that again for a while (at least 26 days), because the pain, both emotional and physical, is just to much to handle at the moment.
Now can you see where I'm coming? Where I may have possibly got this idea that I was a burden? So don't take it too personally if I don't happen to want to talk at the moment, or if I seem to be spending a lot of time with Brian. He just understands me.
So there's the obvious that I still can't walk for another 26 days which is really disappointing. The fact that I'm in pain yet again. The fact my best friend is camping (but is coming back today, you have no idea how excited I am). Or maybe its just the fact that I DID in fact feel like a burden the other day.
Now I sit here reading all these things about me, telling me that I'm not a burden, that your worried and so on and so forth, and I can't help to think that the saying "actions speak louder than words" applies here.
As much as you say that I really wasn't a burden, I was and no one can deny it. I could tell that everyone was getting sick of stopping every few minutes so I could take a break. But guess what, its how I have to live my life for the time being. I will tell you this though, the walk from school to Starbucks seemed a lot longer than the walk from the theatre to Co-op, which it isn't. This was because I couldn't stop as often. So, knowing no one wanted to continue to stop, I fought through the pain. Bad move. I was, and still am, sore. So when we finally got to chapters, if I was going to going to make it anywhere else, I had to sit down, so I do. Probably another bad move since everyone seemed to leave. Now its not like you went to look at books or something I could understand. No, you guys stood just far enough that I couldn't hear you. Just out of my sight at times. It was at that time I decided I couldn't take anymore and was going home, even if I had to walk. Then to top everything off, everyone came back, but I do believe that the comment made was, "Hi, we came to visit you." Now tell me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it seem odd that you would go to "visit" someone in the middle of hanging out with them? So I did what I had to to prevent myself from breaking down, and I walked away. Finally my Step-mom came to my rescue, just in time. I walked away fighting back the tears. I don't know, but it hurt to know that people I thought wanted to spend time with me would just walk away.
Who knows, maybe my expectations were to high, or maybe I was just used to people understanding. Whatever the case, I don't think I'll be doing that again for a while (at least 26 days), because the pain, both emotional and physical, is just to much to handle at the moment.
Now can you see where I'm coming? Where I may have possibly got this idea that I was a burden? So don't take it too personally if I don't happen to want to talk at the moment, or if I seem to be spending a lot of time with Brian. He just understands me.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friends
So I found out who my real friends were recently! It makes me happy to know that certain people will be there to help me up when I fall (literally), and will understand different things in certain situations. I know that most people won't walk away from me now =] Thanks to those who have understood my situation lately and didn't leave me behinde. Thanks for the visits and thanks for just being there when times weren't so great. I love you all!! (BMIMJLM I love it)
Saturday, August 23, 2008
UGH!
Ugh, Not again...
Honestly how stupid can I be? I've done this before and it did not end well, not even close. So knowing that, why am I doing it again? Why am I setting myself up for disaster and hurt? Now we have an awesome, so why take the risk to ruin it? Why even think these things? I know it would never work.
So why, even having all these facts, do I smile when you sign in? Why do I constantly find myself waiting for you? How is it that one random text can make my day? Why can I not wait to see you again?
And how can you be doing this to me? Why now? Why all of a sudden? What changed? Are you just using me for revenge? They take someone so you take someone? Do you just need a friend? Or are you truly interested?
And knowing all this, its different from last time. You initiate things now, you never did before. You text me when you're with your friends, like you not afraid to have people know you're texting me. It's like you want this to work this time and you'll do everything in your power to prevent it from failing. You talk to me into all hours of the night. You just want to know what I'm doing and thinking, like you care this time.
What's different? What's changed? Is it me, or you?
Now do you see why I'm excited, nervous, overwhelmed, and scared, all at the same time, to see you again? Do I still try and get together with you, or do I leave it in fears that this amazing thing we have now will die? I wish you read this so you could help me out with all of this.
Can you now see why I'm so confused about everything? About the last couple of days? About what lies ahead? About where to step next?
<3>
Honestly how stupid can I be? I've done this before and it did not end well, not even close. So knowing that, why am I doing it again? Why am I setting myself up for disaster and hurt? Now we have an awesome, so why take the risk to ruin it? Why even think these things? I know it would never work.
So why, even having all these facts, do I smile when you sign in? Why do I constantly find myself waiting for you? How is it that one random text can make my day? Why can I not wait to see you again?
And how can you be doing this to me? Why now? Why all of a sudden? What changed? Are you just using me for revenge? They take someone so you take someone? Do you just need a friend? Or are you truly interested?
And knowing all this, its different from last time. You initiate things now, you never did before. You text me when you're with your friends, like you not afraid to have people know you're texting me. It's like you want this to work this time and you'll do everything in your power to prevent it from failing. You talk to me into all hours of the night. You just want to know what I'm doing and thinking, like you care this time.
What's different? What's changed? Is it me, or you?
Now do you see why I'm excited, nervous, overwhelmed, and scared, all at the same time, to see you again? Do I still try and get together with you, or do I leave it in fears that this amazing thing we have now will die? I wish you read this so you could help me out with all of this.
Can you now see why I'm so confused about everything? About the last couple of days? About what lies ahead? About where to step next?
<3>
Saturday, August 9, 2008
One Year...
It's quite amazing how much a person can change in the course of one year. If exactly one year ago someone would have sat me down and told me all this stuff was going to happen this year, I would have said they were lying.
Let's see, I've fallen in and out of "love" so many times it's insane, I've had my heartbroken tons, I've seen how strong of a person I really am, I've broken a few hearts, I've lost a lot of trust, gained more friends, discovered who my best friend in the whole entire world is (also my brother from another mother =]), and have been so far down I didn't think I would ever be able to get up again and sitting here today.
I've learned so much, I didn't think that this much knowledge could fit in my brain. Most of the stuff wasn't from a classroom and a teacher. It was from real life situations where I was shown what I am capable of. I learned a lot about my limits and what I can put up with and for how long. I've learned about the person that needs to come out and the one who needs to take a seat. I've learned that being myself is fully aceptable and I don't have to be someone I'm not. But most of all, I've learned I have a voice, I can stand up for myself, and I am a hell of a lot stronger, smarter and more beautiful than I give myself credit for.
One of things I have been able to accept this year was being "one of the guys". For years I've seen it as a bad thing because no one would ever see me more than a guy. No one would fall for me. But I have news for everyone.....Someone ALWAYS falls for that girl =]
Just to prove I can be strong, I'll write about something I have never really discussed with anyone....yet. So lets see, about 6 months ago or so, I broke up with the guy I was head over heels in love with. He had been my life for 3 months and it came totally out of the blue. I was heart broken and hurting. It was around that time my mom started leaving for no reason and I was waking up to empty houses, and living lonely days. I held everything and kept to myself. Though, I hate people feeling bad for me so I put on a happy face and let things build. It build to the point where I felt alone and unwanted and was so far gone with depression I didn't care about anything. I decided that people were better off without me. One night I was upset alone, and drunk with tears and emotions. I went to the bathroom and I had the bottle in my hand. The plan was just to slowly slip away and no one would notice. I didn't. I decided one more day wouldn't hurt. Thats when I really opened my eyes and realized how much I had affected people. So many people had taken my advice, or just wanted me around. I started to cheer up and life began to get better, slowly, very slowly, but at least it was better. Still today I'm affraid of hurting that much again and tend to reserve more than I used to, but I'm woring on it. It's going to take a lot to get back to where I was 9 months ago, before all of this began, but it will get there.
So much has changed in the past year, but I'd say mostly for the better. In another year I'm sure things will have taken another turn and be different again. Though thats becasue every day I learn and grow and I am never the same person two days in a row.
So in closing, please take my advice and live life to the fullest, never deny new knowledge and never take things for granted, you never know where you will be tomorrow.
Oh, And too all those always there for me, and those who have helped me day in and day out, I think of you when i hear these lyrics:
Let's see, I've fallen in and out of "love" so many times it's insane, I've had my heartbroken tons, I've seen how strong of a person I really am, I've broken a few hearts, I've lost a lot of trust, gained more friends, discovered who my best friend in the whole entire world is (also my brother from another mother =]), and have been so far down I didn't think I would ever be able to get up again and sitting here today.
I've learned so much, I didn't think that this much knowledge could fit in my brain. Most of the stuff wasn't from a classroom and a teacher. It was from real life situations where I was shown what I am capable of. I learned a lot about my limits and what I can put up with and for how long. I've learned about the person that needs to come out and the one who needs to take a seat. I've learned that being myself is fully aceptable and I don't have to be someone I'm not. But most of all, I've learned I have a voice, I can stand up for myself, and I am a hell of a lot stronger, smarter and more beautiful than I give myself credit for.
One of things I have been able to accept this year was being "one of the guys". For years I've seen it as a bad thing because no one would ever see me more than a guy. No one would fall for me. But I have news for everyone.....Someone ALWAYS falls for that girl =]
Just to prove I can be strong, I'll write about something I have never really discussed with anyone....yet. So lets see, about 6 months ago or so, I broke up with the guy I was head over heels in love with. He had been my life for 3 months and it came totally out of the blue. I was heart broken and hurting. It was around that time my mom started leaving for no reason and I was waking up to empty houses, and living lonely days. I held everything and kept to myself. Though, I hate people feeling bad for me so I put on a happy face and let things build. It build to the point where I felt alone and unwanted and was so far gone with depression I didn't care about anything. I decided that people were better off without me. One night I was upset alone, and drunk with tears and emotions. I went to the bathroom and I had the bottle in my hand. The plan was just to slowly slip away and no one would notice. I didn't. I decided one more day wouldn't hurt. Thats when I really opened my eyes and realized how much I had affected people. So many people had taken my advice, or just wanted me around. I started to cheer up and life began to get better, slowly, very slowly, but at least it was better. Still today I'm affraid of hurting that much again and tend to reserve more than I used to, but I'm woring on it. It's going to take a lot to get back to where I was 9 months ago, before all of this began, but it will get there.
So much has changed in the past year, but I'd say mostly for the better. In another year I'm sure things will have taken another turn and be different again. Though thats becasue every day I learn and grow and I am never the same person two days in a row.
So in closing, please take my advice and live life to the fullest, never deny new knowledge and never take things for granted, you never know where you will be tomorrow.
Oh, And too all those always there for me, and those who have helped me day in and day out, I think of you when i hear these lyrics:
"Every Day, You save my life"
I love you all more than you'll ever know!
<3>
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