What Do I Want?

That's possibly the toughest question someone could ask me right now. I don't think I could honestly answer it with one thing.

I want my family back to the way it was a while ago. Back when no body fought, when you didn't have to fight for attention, back when I was more comfortable around my family rather than my friends, back when I was someone in this family. Why do things always have tend up in a fight now a days? Why do I fear I'll come home one day to a broken family? Or who knows, maybe I am living in a broken family that just needs to take that last step to finalize it. No wonder I want to go to Ireland so bad.

I want for once in my life to have my head and my heart agree. I don't want to have to lie awake for hours after I go to bed thinking about every possible situation that may arise and how I'm going to deal with it. I just want to be able to say with 100% confidence that this person will make me happy, no matter what. I don't want the doubt I feel right now. After all of that, I don't want feel afraid. Afraid I may not be good enough, or that something will scare me into something else.

I want to be fully accepted, not only with my friends, but my family too, for who I am. I no longer want to feel like I need to do this or that in order to be accepted. I want to speak freely about how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and what ideas I have without being judged or have some comment thrown back at me. I just want people to allow me to be me, and not compare me to someone else. I'm not them nor will I ever be, no matter how hard you try to change me.

I want my mom to love me like she use to. I don't want to feel second best anymore. I hate hearing about how my sister is basically better than me. I don't want to feel like I have to be superkid for her to show the tiniest bit interested in me. I want what I do to matter and have some importance in her life.

I want school to come as easy as it did before. I feel like all my brains have fallen out and nothing makes sense anymore. I think I hit the maximum capacity of my brain years ago and it makes me stupid. Everyone else can seem to get it, study it, remember it and feed it back on a test. Me, I can learn it, study, understand it, but never feed it back later. I just don't know whats going on this year. It's not from lack of studying or not doing homework because I do study. I think this year I have studied more than any other year and just keep getting worse grades.

I want to stop going through depression. I just want to be able to get up every day, not worrying about what may come that will just throw me over, and feel good about it. I want to face the things I'm afraid of while not having the constant fear that if it goes badly I could slip up again. I don't want to have to fear being happy just because I know it will only last so long. I want to enjoy the good in life again.

I want to know there is some reason for all this madness in life. I want to know I'm worth something to someone. I want stop making people feel like shit unintentionally. I want my old life back, the one were everything seemed to go great and I wanted to get out of bed every day.

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When life happens, it happens all at once

Why is it that whenever life seems to happen it always comes fast and furious? I mean, I'm never ready whenever life decides it wants to get very....interesting?

Let's see, right now I am so confused about all of my emotions. I've said all this stuff about not needing to like someone and having no time, and all this, yet I find myself always thinking about it again.

Okay, so lets just say there's one person and I think I might have feelings for them, but there's no way I can tell people. I mean, I see them and I smile, they sign in and I smile, I think about them and I smile. Yet I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It wouldn't be fair to them I don't think. I just don't think they would be willing to go through that again. I guess they are just so caring, so friendly, so helpful, so great, but is it for me or for someone else? I guess this is what I have to figure out.

Then there's the other person. Now I know I don't like this person more than a friend, but I think they think I do and it could be bad. I mean, we're friends, we talk, that's all good, but we don't hang out too often. Now all of a sudden he wants to hang out and is really flirty and I don't know what to do. It's a little stressful. I have to think about everything I say in order to not lead it anywhere, and I have to be careful of what I do. It makes for a complicated situation.

And there's always the time factor. Do I even have time to pursue a relationship? Would it fit into the classes, work, physio, shows, homework, basketball, family, and friends? Does other person have the time?

I wish times were simpler, back when our greatest worry was how much the tooth fairy would give us, or if Santa would still come if I ate that extra cookie when I was told not to.

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To Grow Up All In One Night

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have to be the grown up of a very large family? Well let me tell you, its hard work.



Okay, so it has been one insane night for me. I got home feeling great, walking, and just relaxing from a busy day. Then I went to have a shower and just let every muscle in my body melt with the warm water flowing over me. That's when my sister knocked and asked to come in. I should have known something was wrong then since she never comes in the bathroom when I'm showering. She tells me my other sister was on the phone and it was urgent. Knowing what their definitions of urgent can be I asked what was going on, thinking it was probably some big concert announcement of some sort. That's when I was told she was crying. My head spun with questions of what was going on. Was someone hurt? Was everything okay? Why would she call me if the parents were right there? I quickly jumped out of the shower grabbed a towel and answered the call. She was in hysterics. Doing what I could to understand I got her calm enough to get the story. Apparently my parents were having a huge fight to the point where her mom had left the house and she was scared and needed out. So I told her to stay in her room, pack a bag and call her friend that she mentioned to see if she could go there for a bit. I put on the clothes I had, grabbed my crutches and told my mom I needed to head out for a bit. I hopped in the truck and got to the house as fast as I could. On the way I called her to make sure everything was still okay. Now my aunt and cousin were over trying to get things sorted out. That was wonderful, knowing that it had gotten to the point where someone else had to intervene. When I finally got there, both of my other sisters came outside, one crying, the other putting on a brave face for her sister. We quickly got gas before dropping one sister off at her dads and the other at her friends. During this time I found out that my sister was told that she shouldn't have called me. I think its a good thing she did. She needed out in order to feel safe and she called someone she knew she could trust. She knew that even if I couldn't come get her I would have stayed on the phone with her, keeping her safe, until she feel asleep.



I also fought with my mom about me paying for gas and how she felt it was my dads job to give me some money. I wanted to tell her that I would pay thousands of dollars to keep any of my siblings, friends or anyone I cared about safe. I would be willing at all times of the day to go anywhere and pick someone up if they felt scared, lonely or in danger. After all, its only time and money. I can earn the money back. As for the time, well its a good cause. They're just small prices to pay to keep people safe.



My growing up does not stop there. I have no idea whats happening tomorrow, I don't know if I will have a ride home, or who will be home once I do get there. I have no idea how I'm getting to Brian's, or whether I'll be packing my stuff this weekend. What I do know is my sisters are safe, and I would move mountains for them. They are my world, my rock, and my family and I love them more than life itself.



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=]

Wow, the past week has been eye opening.

I'm in one of those "up" periods of my life. I have been in an extremely good mood lately and it feels like nothing can ever bring me down. Its been absolutely amazing. I have done things for me and me only, and not worried about what it has come off to other people. Also, I have decided to not let looking for "love" take over my life. I mean, we spend so much time thinking about it every day, why don't we just let it go. There's plenty of time for us to focus our life on love, why now? Plus, in 2 years I'm not even going to be around. So, with all this time left for me, I have focused on myself, who I am, what I want to do, kind of just put my life back together, how its supposed to be. It feels great!! I don't go to bed and dread waking up again like I did not too long ago. No, now I can't wait to get up and see what the day holds!! I never want this feeling to end!!

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And I'm excited for friday!!!!! =]

STOP ME

Okay, just a quick note, if I EVER say that I'm going to make cookies, or bake in general, STOP ME!!! I will burn down the house probably!! I mean, cookies, mix, put in oven, take out 10 minutes later....seems simple enough....NO, I forgot about them and left them for a VERY long time. I've never seen anything more black in my life.......

I fail at baking.



Haha, though it was quite funny......



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*Jumps/Screams/Dances in Excitment*

Basically all this enthusiasm is due to the latest update on www.salts.ca

THEY PUT UP THIS YEARS INFORMATION!!
Do you know what that means? It means that we're THAT much closer to registering to go. Which means we're THAT much closer to actually going. Which means, 10 days on a boat, in BC, with a bunch of people, and a vacation by myself. Can you say FUN? EEK!!!

.....Not That I'M excited AT ALL.......

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YAY!!!

Oh! And I made cookies =]

AHH

Oh man! So much stuff going on now!!

So, recently I have agreed that I was going to be apart of a whole bunch of things, not realizing what I'm getting myself into. I have agreed to help coach a basketball team, help tech for the musical theatre shows, tech at the Jubilee (SO excited!), and I'll be going back to work soon enough. Not to mention I have school to go to, and getting anywhere and doing anything takes twice as long right now. Also, trying to get together with people I rarely see anymore, and planning this "Gathering of Sorts" we decided to have has to fit into this schedule somewhere. Yeah, I've definitely taken on a lot for one semester. We'll see how this goes.....And even having all this, I sit here writing. I need to get my priorities sorted out....

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Helpless

I'm so sick of feeling helpless! I hate feeling like I can't do anything for myself. I mean I can't even take care of my dog without hurting myself.
I hate not being able to walk through my house without feeling like I will trip over something, or avoiding a way because its too narrow for my crutches. I just want all of this to be over and I want my life to be back to normal. I just want to be able to hang out with people without them worrying about how I'm going to do things. I want to be able to go to the mall for lunch without being exhausted for 2 days. I WANT to be able to clean my room. I'm sick of living in a complete mess and know there's nothing I can do about it because it's incredibly hard to clean it.

I Just want my life back to normal!

*HUG*

Basically, all I need right now is a hug. One hug to make the world better again.....
...Then a few more just for good measures =]
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Stolen from someone who stole it from someone else...

Hmm, I wonder who ACTUALLY started this....Anyway, here is goes.



I AM … Grateful for the few good friends I have, Sad for the ones I’ve lost, and very confused about everything I feel now a days.

I WANT… To be able to walk again. More than you know….

I HAVE … A lot I need to figure out

I KEEP … Old pictures, cards, and notes that mean a lot to me.

I WISH I COULD … Have confidence.

I HATE … The way things have turned for the worst in parts of my life.

I FEAR … I will not find that special person.

I HEAR … Music, All I have to give By The Backstreet Boys.

I DON’T THINK … I’ll leave my room much tonight.

I REGRET … All the times I’ve hurt people.

I LOVE … Hugs, Kisses to the forehead, Being with people who really want to be with me, and the fact I will be travelling lots in the next couple of years.

I AM NOT … Going to continue to feel like this.

I DANCE … All the time, it keeps me happy.

I SING … To really good songs.

I NEVER … Want to lose those who save me.

I RARELY … Let people see who I really am, which is sad.

I CRY WHEN I WATCH … The Fox and the Hound.....It's a sad movie okay?

I AM NOT ALWAYS … As happy as I come off.

I HATE THAT … My family is annoyed with me.

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT … Life? How I’m feeling.

I NEED … Sort this out.

I SHOULD … Do homework and chores, but I really don’t feel like facing my family.