What Do I Want?

That's possibly the toughest question someone could ask me right now. I don't think I could honestly answer it with one thing.

I want my family back to the way it was a while ago. Back when no body fought, when you didn't have to fight for attention, back when I was more comfortable around my family rather than my friends, back when I was someone in this family. Why do things always have tend up in a fight now a days? Why do I fear I'll come home one day to a broken family? Or who knows, maybe I am living in a broken family that just needs to take that last step to finalize it. No wonder I want to go to Ireland so bad.

I want for once in my life to have my head and my heart agree. I don't want to have to lie awake for hours after I go to bed thinking about every possible situation that may arise and how I'm going to deal with it. I just want to be able to say with 100% confidence that this person will make me happy, no matter what. I don't want the doubt I feel right now. After all of that, I don't want feel afraid. Afraid I may not be good enough, or that something will scare me into something else.

I want to be fully accepted, not only with my friends, but my family too, for who I am. I no longer want to feel like I need to do this or that in order to be accepted. I want to speak freely about how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and what ideas I have without being judged or have some comment thrown back at me. I just want people to allow me to be me, and not compare me to someone else. I'm not them nor will I ever be, no matter how hard you try to change me.

I want my mom to love me like she use to. I don't want to feel second best anymore. I hate hearing about how my sister is basically better than me. I don't want to feel like I have to be superkid for her to show the tiniest bit interested in me. I want what I do to matter and have some importance in her life.

I want school to come as easy as it did before. I feel like all my brains have fallen out and nothing makes sense anymore. I think I hit the maximum capacity of my brain years ago and it makes me stupid. Everyone else can seem to get it, study it, remember it and feed it back on a test. Me, I can learn it, study, understand it, but never feed it back later. I just don't know whats going on this year. It's not from lack of studying or not doing homework because I do study. I think this year I have studied more than any other year and just keep getting worse grades.

I want to stop going through depression. I just want to be able to get up every day, not worrying about what may come that will just throw me over, and feel good about it. I want to face the things I'm afraid of while not having the constant fear that if it goes badly I could slip up again. I don't want to have to fear being happy just because I know it will only last so long. I want to enjoy the good in life again.

I want to know there is some reason for all this madness in life. I want to know I'm worth something to someone. I want stop making people feel like shit unintentionally. I want my old life back, the one were everything seemed to go great and I wanted to get out of bed every day.

<3>