Where have you all gone?

Why is it that I always hear about people having great, in depth conversations with other people? Why do they feel the need to tell me about it?

I used to have those conversations with people. I used to feel needed. What happened? I can't think of one person who wants to tell me things anymore. Everyone else is becoming really close and I seem to drift further and further away every day.

Yeah, I need a lot of help right now, but I don't know where to go for it. Everyone says they're there for me, but really they seem like they could care less. So I guess I'll just write it all down here, continue on with a smile and pray that this is just a school thing and when I get out of school like will be better.

Where do I start? I guess I'll start at home. So my three sisters have seemed to form some sort of pact against me. I don't know why, they just whisper and do things with just each other and make sure I feel like the odd one out. It's a terrible feeling. Then there's my step mom. She doesn't care about me. Doubt she ever will. Or at least never to the extent of the other three. My dad just wants to watch his ass and will do anything to stay on her good side. Even if that means upsetting me. Then he comes and "vents" to me about everything.

Then there's school. There's just way too much stuff I need to be ready for at school in the next couple of days. And exams on top of that. Oh god, why do they have to be worth 50% of my grade this year?

What else can I put in here that people won't get upset with? So my birthday party is coming up. It's a shame that some people really don't like spending time with me. I thought it could be a fun day, now I'm just dreading it. Are people going to show up because they genuinely like me, or because they feel they need to?

Then there's always the whole boy issue. The more I see him, the more I like him. The more I see him, the less I think he likes me. Why couldn't things work just once? I mean, sure I've have 'boyfriends' before and that whole experience. But I always wonder if they actually liked me, or the thought of having a girlfriend. I know my feelings are true, this break proved it. I just don't know he feels the same way.

I always seem to wonder if people find me annoying and that's why they don't tell me things? Or maybe they think I can't keep a secret. Maybe they just don't trust me. Whatever it is, I wish someone would just tell me so I could fix it. This whole being alone thing sucks.

Yeah, yeah, I know, 'you're always there for me'. I wish people would stop saying that if they really don't mean it. I can assure you people don't think, "Hey, she looks sad today, I wonder if there's anything I can do to help out." No, I would imagine its more along the lines of, "Oh god, she looks upset again. Maybe if I don't say anything I won't have to deal with all her problems again."

I'm starting to think I need help. Last time it didn't work out so well though. He was someone who dealt with 'family problems'. Okay, so what about the rest of my 'problems'? Would I have to see like 15 different people for each problem? And how do you tell someone some things? "Oh, and by the way, a few months ago I had serious thoughts of suicide, and now it comes back a lot. See you next week!" And you people wonder why I never say anything.

I guess I didn't go through with it, not because I magically loved my life again, no because I thought about how hard it would have been for some people. I'm really not that selfish of a person, just sometimes I need someone too. Someone who actually cares. Not someone who pretends to care because they're supposed to because we're friends. I need to be able to talk to someone about everything I've gone through in the last year without them freaking out every time I look upset. Because let's face it. I'll never go back there again, it was far to scary. If I had someone through that time maybe I would have never had the thoughts in the first place.

Then again, I'm not good with confrontation. I have a hard time telling someone somethings when they ask. Especially the, "Are you okay?" question. Honestly, what am I supposed to reply to that? "Oh, no. My life is a complete and udder mess right now, thanks for asking!" Then they just feel sorry for you. I guess what I need is someone to just say, "Hey, I really think you need to talk about (insert major topic here), and I really want to hear about it!" Now I'll hear that a lot in the next week, because people are going to 'feel bad'. That's not what I'm looking for right now. I just needed a place to go. Someone who will listen no matter how long I babble on for. Which has been for a while now I guess.

Sleeping is another thing I'm lacking. I try and sleep, honestly, but my brain won't shut up. I'm hoping this helps tonight and if so, I'll be doing it a lot more!

I wish people would update their blogs more often. Sometimes I feel its the only way to know whats going on in their life. And I'm afraid to ask because I know there's some awkwardness there and you would just much rather I didn't know.

Well that felt rather refreshing. Don't take it personally.

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