Okay, so I just watched myself on tv. I'm so glad I only saw the last 5 minutes. I probably will never try and watch it completely.
Those 2 weeks were complete hell for me. I was in tears almost everyday and it was really hard for me, so for me to go through it again would be way too difficult. I never wanted to do the show in the first place. I did it because if I didn't my family would be very disappointed in me and any time the dogs acted up, it would have been my fault since I didn't do the show.
I never told anyone when the show was going to be on. This includes my mom. I don't want that embarrassment. I never want to be reminded of this show.
On a better note, I went up on the scaffolding today. I don't think anyone really realizes how big of an accomplishment this is for me. Heights has always been on of my biggest fears, and for me to be able to just climb up and do stuff is amazing. A few weeks ago I was so scared I couldn't even think about going up, and now I can do it. One of my biggest motivations was to show a few people that I can really do things, I just do it on my own time. I just hope they're truly proud of me, or at least someone is.
I really miss my dad. He is my rock and I've had a really hard time without him. I always have a hard time without him. This week has just been really hard.
Lately I've kind of felt like no one really wants to hear what I say, and just don't care. This has been really hard for me because recently I've been really proud of myself. I've been the person I really want to, the person I really am. And for people to not want to know that person, that hurts. I've been okay with being alone in a class, and I don't care what people have thought. I have just let loose and have a good time.
I'm sorry, I'm just not in the best of moods.
G, Thank you so much, the fact that you care means the world.
<3>
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Mel, I hope you do know that I've been so happy for you regarding the heights. I know I'm awful at expressing things like that, but really, I have never seen someone do something like that, in such a short period of time in my life. If I do forget this in a moment of having fun like today, please, just give me a look or something, sometimes I need reminding of what other people are going through.
I hope that I can somehow help you with these things like you helped me the other day. Just having you to talk to honestly made things work out for the better. Don't let this drag you down.
Always here to celebrate your successes and shoulder your burdens...
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